


You are proof Mahal has A sense of humor.

by ScotCoyjedii



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Female Bilbo, Female Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Fluff and Humor, Glowstone heh heh, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sassy Bilbo Baggins, Sexual Humor, Swearing, Thorin Feels, Thorin Has No Sense Of Direction, Thorin-centric, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-06-01 08:57:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6511549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScotCoyjedii/pseuds/ScotCoyjedii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mahal must love torturing me. Why else would the universe choose now of all times to throw me a bone and show me my One? The universe hates me!</p>
            </blockquote>





	You are proof Mahal has A sense of humor.

**Author's Note:**

> Thorin's point of veiw is a new thing for me too so bear with me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin got lost and found himself in front of his One.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fixed the formatting, to make it easier to read. I admit it took me a while for that I sincerely apologize

I never really was good with directions I was fine underground some say that I had the best stone sense since my forefathers not the best compliment but hey I'll take it. I felt it when I set foot in the shire a unseen thread tying me here binding me to someone else. I might have slightly panicked and missed the turn two doors back. I got lost twice.

Disgruntled but determined as a dwarf should be at any rate.

* * *

"Care to sing a song for us?" Bofur asked the hobbit. As the many seated company looked at her with interest hoping she would accept the offer perhaps.

"Why not considering you nearly gave me a heart attack? You cheeky little scoundrels." She laughed mentioning the two brothers Fili and Kili, Fili like his uncle Frerin was a walking armoury something that of late has proven to be useful for various reasons. He's always armed though not always on guard which might be a bad thing. 

"When goin' the road to sweet Athy,  
Hurroo, hurroo!  
When goin' the road to sweet Athy,  
Hurroo, hurroo!  
When goin' the road to sweet Athy,  
A stick in me hand and a drop in me eye,  
A doleful damsel I heard cry,  
Johnny, I hardly knew ye.

  
With your drums and guns and guns and drums,  
Hurroo, hurroo!  
With your drums and guns and guns and drums,  
Hurroo, hurroo!  
With your drums and guns and guns and drums  
The enemy nearly slew ye.  
Oh darling dear, ye look so queer,  
Johnny, I hardly knew ye.

Where are the eyes that looked so mild?  
Hurroo, hurroo!  
Where are the eyes that looked so mild?  
Hurroo, hurroo!  
Where are the eyes that looked so mild  
When my poor heart you first beguiled?  
Why did ye run from me and the child?  
Johnny, I hardly knew ye.

Where are the legs with which you run?  
Hurroo, hurroo!  
Where are the legs with which you run?  
Hurroo, hurroo!  
Where are the legs with which you run  
When first you went to carry a gun?  
Indeed your dancing days are done.  
Johnny, I hardly knew ye.

Ye haven't an arm, ye haven't a leg.  
Hurroo, hurroo!  
Ye haven't an arm, ye haven't a leg.  
Hurroo, hurroo!  
Ye haven't an arm, ye haven't a leg,  
Ye're an ironless, boneless, chickenless egg  
Ye'll have to be left with a bowl to beg.  
Johnny, I hardly knew ye.

But I'm happy for to see ye home.  
Hurroo, hurroo!  
Yes, I'm happy for to see ye home.  
hurroo, hurroo!  
Oh, I'm happy for to see ye home  
All from the island of Ceylon.  
So low in flesh, so high in bone.  
Johnny, I hardly knew ye." The hobbit sang clearly she was very good even professional. I was at the door with the magical glowing mark green like the stone inside Erebor licked with streams of gold. My soul sang to her it tugged me towards her home, her green door reminded me of home.

I knocked on the door three times. My blood started to boil with impatience I put my one palm against the green door with the glowing blue rune carved onto it just as it opened I didn't hear anyone approach otherwise that wouldn't have happened. To my surprise I tumbled into the home which they called a 'smial' it sounded like snail except with a rearrangement of letters and the 'n' became a 'm' at least that was around twenty years ago. They didn't take offense considering it was a word found in their native tongue that was probably the only word they shared of their language with anyone. I fell onto a female hobbitess as a result of my impatience despite her wearing trousers and a normal shirt it was obvious she was female considering I accidently fondled her breast's which despite their size were well hidden by the ordinary shirt (with suspenders?). By all means that made no sense once so ever usually you would think if a female chose to wear male clothing unless they have padding of some sort it will show.

"I....erm...sorry." I said getting up off the extremely flustered female hobbit. My heart was racing their was no denying she was my One _I wanted her right now but no I can't not yet she doesn't know me. Control yourself Thorin control yourself!_ I ordered myself. It wasn't working.

"Why is everyone here so damn good looking minus Gandalf he doesn't count. I don't even need to see ...." She groaned the image she was probably imagining was mortifying. She took it better than I did my mind was struggling to not insult her at least once, I had the nasty habit of letting my mouth run away on me. It got me in more trouble than you can possibly imagine when I was younger still does though to a lesser extent lucky for me that habit hasn't passed onto any of our relatives. 

"I can see this is going to be fun I'm gonna take a wild guess Mistress Baggins?" I asked politely as I could despite my urge to be rude just because of her slightly pointed ears, and the lack of shoes or a dress I suppose people in the shire have changed since the last time I was here. My brother had been poisoned and Tokora all but ordered me to head to the shire we were in Bree when that happened they managed to save my little brother's life he later fell in love with a dwobbit in Waterway two towns over. 

" Your sharp as a tack." She smirked. 

"I... I did fall on ye lass." I broke into old habits again, I didn't often feel this comfortable around anyone rare was it that I went back into informality. Usually I stuck to formality out of old habit due to my former issues with Westron as a teenaged dwarfling, I used to be terrible at it not that Khuzdul was easy either though being it was my native tongue it was easier for me back then Westron was just a mannish enigma that somehow most people spoke if not all. Even with a cockney accent or a hardly understandable one.

"U...uncle a...a...are you okay?" Fili asked through his stammering he was surprised he didn't notice that their host was female. Usually he could tell just by a glance even if they were wearing armor which is how he managed to tell if the warrior elves were in fact female. He suspected it had something to do with the fact that elven women if unmarried or even if they are , women can be the most vicious creatures in combat. My sister Dis is testament to that fact, even if technically women in our society are rare enough to not really be even considered for inheriting except if stated otherwise. My mother Princess Kis and my grandmother Queen Fjalar (who died in Erebor before King Thror went mad) were against this totally which is why I put my mother and sister in charge of Thorin's Halls instead of the next best choice the other was the snake Gormr Doursmith as ruling steward, _Mahal why did they have to name them that? My father helped repair most of them and expand it ,it should be named after him! We even found something else I had those parts of the halls sealed off on Gandalf's advice._ I would have left it in Dwalin's hands but Dwalin was part of our company and he personally hated Gormr I really didn't fully trust him either there was a lot of people who would have rather had the Princesses in power than him. Despite him pestering me about it nonstop for weeks about stewardship Balin advised me not to trust him, after what Rolgar predicted years before its no doubt he would have done something evil. 

Rolgar Baggins was considered by my family and the Blue Mountain's dwarves with a certain type of awe the kind we rarely give to someone outside our race I don't exactly warm up easy to anyone but Rolgar was the exception to that rule. After years of just being generally miserable in our existence he came around he was only nineteen visiting Thorin's Halls he was some sort of soothsayer though he called himself a "leafseer" no one really understood why but his predictions were very accurate. Even more so than any fortune teller who reads the stones to tell portent's. When he spoke people listened some of what he told Balin and myself about the Dourhands and what we knew about them was entirely wrong. The Dourhand's clan had the same ideals that used to be normal during the First Age progressively this became worse as the women back then were more numerous and were considered expendable a specific thing that we cannot allow to happen now. He went on to predict they would attack and take over Thorin's halls whether or not Gormr was granted stewardship of the halls themselves break into King Skorgrim's tomb and with the help of a necromancer called the Gaunt-Lord would resurrect their leader with some sort of wight. This was just their first meeting Dwalin had dragged me and Balin out to meet this soothsayer he had been hearing about. 

Rolgar told us that and explained the leaves often times speak not what your looking for but what you need to know sometimes this could be vague or very specific in this case the Dourhand's have been in decline since King Skorgrim and such usually breeds falsity, dishonor, and poverty eventually led them to lust for power and greed that would make a fire-drake turn away in disgust. It would make most people squirm to know that their own kin had fallen so far so fast and would very much like to see entire locations destroyed because they were replaced with quarries and war machines the literal ones. They would corrupt the land with the darker magic turning the land rotten as all animal's would either flee or stay and become shadows of their formers self nothing more than a mutant shadow monster of its former species. Rolgar had to have some sort of insight that even surpassed our own seer's through the portent's when he wasn't giving fortunes for cheap (he said that jewels weren't worth much to him and he will never accept someone giving him a family heirloom) he enjoyed his time in our halls. Rolgar and I became fast friends he was one of those people who could brighten a room just by being in it I came to call him my best friend. I haven't heard from him since he was twenty one I was his best man when he married his wife.... 

"Wait the burglar is a woman?" Dwalin demanded.

"You lot get denser every year, are you related to Rolgar Baggins by chance? If ye donna mind me askin' of course?" I asked he had mentioned his younger sister a girl he called 'Bee' though he never mentioned his elder twin brother Belbo M Baggins and if he did it was with great fear. I met him once and I didn't really care much for him he struck me as being one of those people who would do nothing but watch someone die when they could very well save them. Basically he was a orc without being a orc.

"My elder brother said you liked hiding stuff from your brother as a tween. He also mentioned your love of blackberries and chocolate." She said her green eyes sparkled like emeralds full of mischief yet playfulness too. She couldn't be anyone else but his sister she was a lot like him too though in small ways he mentioned to me that 'leafseeing' used to be very common but bad things started to happen when outsiders found out about their kind having a lot of people with that gift, Sauron especially found them to be a serious threat and ordered several thousands of his orc army to kill them all because of this abilities power to see the future by 'coaxing the plants to reveal the past, present and future' was a legitimate threat to his power. He mentioned that this action caused his ancestor Jarl Khan and the Fifteen to kill all orcs and evil being with a bladed weapon so powerful it could rend heaven and Earth some could claim to extent that the most powerful of these heavenly weapons could even kill one of the Valar. However they wouldn't dare test it out lest they are given no other option, and they created more than one and these were more than capable of defending their people from extinction. Though over the years it has become less and less likely that any leafseer will live to see their thirty third birthday despite their powers they cannot see their own demise or anyone who would do it until it's far too late to stop those coming events.

Thorin felt bad for him especially considering that he was only allowed to leave on the condition he eventually marry someone on his twentieth birthday it was an arranged match but a very good one considering he knew her since they were fauntlings. My sister was surprised when she heard that outraged would be a better word considering that my sister knew from personal experience that hobbit's aren't legal adults until their thirty three but he mentioned of late it was allowed if the person in question is a leafseer usually the match isn't made between complete strangers for political standing or money that is pretty much forbidden morally.

"Uncle you like chocolate? Why would you keep that secret from family?" Kili asked coming into the hallway. Fili peeped into the same hallway it couldn't have been but a few seconds later before retreating back to the dining room pretending like he wasn't looking.

I groaned internally why did she tell them that? Now every time they get a chance of avoiding actual training or studies they'll suck up to me through that kind of sweet even I absolutely LOVE chocolate to the point where I can't resist it anymore because i so rarely taste it.

"Rolgar introduced you to chocolate candy bars." She mentioned calmly, _how can she be so calm? How can she be so nonchalant about it my minds racing along with my heart and she's being so calm like nothing's happening at all? How am I going to even tell her that she's my one and that I'm going to send her to steal from a fire-drake the last great one to be exact? No wait Thorin how are you even acting like a normal dwarf with her in the same room with you? I thought increasingly frantic over what I'm going to do my inner voice cracked a bit at the last part._

"And bilberry muffins." I added chuckling at the memory.

"How is Rolgar he would be in his early forties ... Mistress?" I asked offhandly as we walked into the dining room for a moment I worried for her she looked like she was going to cry after all I didn't want to be the reason my One cried or made her cry.

"Rolgar is dead, he died when he was 21. He left behind a wife and four kids. Loki, Helitrope, Bilba II, and Thorin Oakenshield Baggins." She mentioned somehow she managed to list off that information without managing to cry though it looked like she was on the verge of it. She didn't go into how he died and personally really I didn't want to know the grim details as I didn't want to end up pushing her to start crying over it they must have been really close. He never mentioned any of his other siblings except that his mother was very young when she had him she had somehow gotten the purple blood moon fever from picking a flower that turned out to be some sort of hobbit magic flower posing as a normal late season violet. Sometimes hobbit magic leaks out of a person and takes form to create harmless mischief without true form it wanders creating the infamous blood moon flower he heard about such a flower sometimes it can cause a dam to go mad because of it we call it the Nightmare flower or various other names none of which you would say in honest company in the home of a lovely lass. At least that's what I got from Mrs Baggins when she visited us as well for the summer he spent with us, their was a fifteen or fourteen year difference between the twins and the next set of children. Which were supposedly blessed by Yavanna herself with the appearance of Yavanna's gift which helped the family's former child bearing problems alongside some dwarven help.

"He said you were his best friend." She told me all misty eyed apparently trying her very best not to get upset by the subject.

"I told him as much lass," I said my voice it shook as the news finally sunk in and hit me like a warhammer to the face shaken by the news, _my best friend Rolgar was dead? The greatest guy I've ever met is gone?_ The very thought shook me to my core enraged me a bit because it sounded like it was no accident but I didn't show my rage my sorrow was all she needed to know about or anyone right now.

"He said you like cookies n' cream.I don't have the candy but I do have the ice cream after dinner." She wiped away my tears I didn't even realize I was crying either. She had such gentle hands even if they weren't as soft as they could have been she still had very soft skin not unweathered by the world's own harshness. Whatever happened must have been bad.

"Thank you ma'am." I said thanking her for her kindness as I sat down at the head of the table the rest of them obviously ate and I got stew that she put down along with a pint. I took notice of the various obviously dwarven designs intermingled with the decor of the house. Smial ...sorry. 

"My Uncles Herliefr and Liulfr on occasion come over alongside my other cousins that are very distantly related to me. The one in particular I see very often his craft happens to do with acting oh and he's very good at it I'll tell ye what. Baldr can pretty much make anything sound scary it he put's his mind to it its his deep baritone." She chuckled while I ate. It was good for someone you half expected to be married with kids already with her good looks despite this she seemed unmarried hobbit's rarely wore beads but they usually wore rings symbolizing marital status usually these rings were silver in color and made of either steel or titanium without any gemstones only taking them off when necessary. Usually they are inscribed with the name of their partner in their native tongue hobbitish. 

"Aren't you forgetting something? Like whether or not she can fight or if she looks more like a barmaid than a burglar." Fili scowled ironically it wasn't nearly as impressive as my own though I scowl, _a lot_. Sometimes a bit too much my mother once joked after Erebor fell a scowl has somehow made itself a near perminant expression to the point where she claimed (only jokingly) that I must scowl at least once a day. 

"Fili! Your mother would be appalled to hear that coming from you, knowing Rolgar ...what he said about you was impressive. Was it true?" I asked her turning my attention to her after I finished my dinner and ale, she nodded smiling. It was something else seeing her smile like the sun.

"I thought so. Considering ye both hated Belbo... personally I didn't like him either when I met him he was a creep liked torturing pets too. The only thing on his mind was killing stuff was he always like that by chance I never really asked?" I mentioned she froze in place horror and silent terror only appeared on her face for a moment. 

"Yes Belbo was always killing pets and he upgraded to genocide later."She told me , I noted that her voice was hard as ice and her eyes were angry at Belbo his very name disgusted her to the point where it couldn't be withheld or kept a secret. That shocked me if anything I pegged him as a future murderer not a person who would commit such war crimes without reason other than to do it because he thought he could get away with it. I didn't blame her for hating him as much considering she was related to him and that likely caused her family great shame if they didn't disown him entirely or erase him from the records he wasn't certain if hobbit's could do that . He recognized her now the girl with the pig tails at Rolgar's wedding! The flower girl that was her even if she was a bit small to be a thirteen year old back then now she wasn't so small in fact she was probably around average height for a hobbit woman. 

"Please call me Bella." She insisted that I had to call her that after the conversation.

"Okay Bella," I acquiesced caving into her demands just to see her happy again. 

"So do you two know each other?" Kili asked us as he looked between us two. 

"No but we know Rolgar."

"Were you the flower girl at his wedding?" I asked her lightly trying to keep the subject away from Belbo and whatever fate he ended up with. He probably deserved it and then some.

"Yes, yes I was were you my brother's best man?" SHe asked surprised that I knew about the wedding she immediately knew which wedding I was talking about too.

"Yeah." Was all I could muster before being forced to attend to greater business something she didn't blame me for I hoped.

"So how'd the meeting with the others go?" Balin asked curious to the meeting and how these two reacted to each other.

"They won't come even if seven envoys came." I mentioned sharply, I was still pissed off they managed to waste my time meeting with them causing me to be late to the party but right now it was only a slight loss as she brought out dessert with help from the lads and the Ri brothers. 

"So they heeded you but wouldn't listen?" Bella and Bofur asked slightly scoffing at the blatant stupidity of dwarf lords something that they all now had in common.

"What about her?" Gloin asked me like he really needed a true answer my distant cousin Tokora despite being called often times a demonic elf was all dwarf despite her unnaturally pointy ears that even gave the elves the chills at the mere sight of them sticking up from her hair. She couldn't ever hide them in her hair no matter what she did though quite a few dwarves liked her because of her willingness to help the Longbeards. Even the dwarves in Ered Luin to the extent that despite her kingdom being still working or repairs they still had enough exports to Ered Luin to make it bloody rich.

"Her and the Ironfists were almost giddy about going to kill a dragon." I told them not one of them cheered because quite a few off them knew that Tokora was the only Dwarf in the history of dwarves to be battle ready at sixteen. Her prowess in battle was equal to only a few she was prepared to fight dirty if it meant she could win because playing nice with orc-kind is stupid and will get you killed. That wasn't what bothered me the most as I shivered I didn't like the Ironfist's the fact that they agreed where no one else agreed said something about it their had to a angle for them to come so willingly with or without the arkenstone in my hand. Xenophobic bastards.

"I question Tokora sanity!" Gloin mentioned.

"What sanity are you refering to? Wait she isn't here is she?" Bofur shouted looking around to make sure she wasn't somehow listening in. She didn't care if you talked about her it was just that she was too terrifying to really talk about she managed to save the royal line at a cost she used a military by all means was the most vicious that any orc has dare faced. If anything people were terrified of her militarily which is why the Ironfist's could be behaving themselves of late a few of the nicer ironfists even joined the city gaurd in Thorin's Halls before we left. They relatively are quite tame despite the image their family usually has... they speak oddly too not in khuzdul its just odd westron you can understand but what most people take as being too hip even if they only do that off the clock.

"Come on forget about it for now relax anyone want a beer?" She said soothingly managing to smooth everything out despite the tension being so thick in the air you could cut it.

"BEER!" Fili and Kili were over excited over it. Scrambling to get a cold one as I had dessert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapters translation is actually the name of the fic itself.  
> Johnny I hardly knew ye is the song by the Irish rovers though it might have been around a lot longer than that. Try not to take offense to the lyrics she's drunk when she's singing though she's singing clearly and not slurring her speech. Though the song when I listened to it all I heard of the lyrics: Drums and Guns, johnny I hardly knew ye, and haroo.  
> I don't own the hobbit, or the bits and peices of lore I added in are based on the Lord of the rings online game.  
> Oh and Baldr sounds exactly like Smaug at least without the reptile thrown in he's Frerin's son.


End file.
